The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
