all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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