Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
