Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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