I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
