Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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