I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
