the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
