Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
