dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize