he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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