Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My day in three words: secret purse cake
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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