No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
