Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
