Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
