i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
