And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
