my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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