Swine flu. Run for my life!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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