I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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