i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
