Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
