Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
