its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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