He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
