So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
