i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize