so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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