I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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