Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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