be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
