I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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