so that wasnt chicken after all
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Drake has all the answers
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
