I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
