Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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