Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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