I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
