Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
