Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
