I'm gonna have a badass scar
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
