I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
