he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize