WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Your cock deserves a montage
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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