My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
