Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
