She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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