More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Go christen that room with your naked body.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
