i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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