he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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