You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
