o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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