Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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