Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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