I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
