I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
