I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
