I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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