In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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