I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize