Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
