Define "chronic" masturbator.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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